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I want him back...

Question:

At the end of March my boyfriend of a year decided that he no longer loved me and didn’t want a future with me. Of course I was devastated as I loved him completely.

Fast forward to now, my ex is dating someone new; he tells me it is not serious. I too am dating someone else, who is very charming and nice and thinks the world of me.

But I can’t get my ex out of my head. I still love him, and I really do believe that he still cares about me as well. When I try and talk to him about a reunion he says no, that it would not make him happy at this stage. I know that we were both very unhappy when we parted because of outside negative influences effecting our relationship. My hope is with time that those influences will disappear and he and I will both remember how wonderful our time together was.

What am I asking? I eventually want him back. I know that, I have had counselling and I know that he is the person that I want to be with. However I do not want to throw myself at him and be rejected. Do you have any advice on how to regain his love and trust over time?

Thanks for taking the time to read my letter.

Answer:

Set your mind at ease over the love and trust from him part because you already have that. If he didn’t still care about you he wouldn’t tell you the situation with his new girlfriend isn’t serious.

Based on your letter, the problem is obviously not with you. You’ve tried to make amends, you’ve tried to make it work, you’ve tried to talk it out and you’ve gone to counseling.

This is the mark of an intelligent, emotionally mature woman who is ready for a loving, deeply rewarding relationship with a man that will last a long time.

Now let’s get to the root of the problem.

The key to your problem is when you wrote, "we parted because of outside negative influences effecting our relationship."

I see two problems here: the negative outside influences and you want this relationship to work more than he does.

You can’t make anyone deal with anything. It’s the old, "You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink." You can only help someone if they want help. He doesn’t want help. And he isn’t willing or able to deal with these outside influences.

It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. It means he just doesn’t care enough to do anything about it.

He obviously isn’t the person you want him to be (or wish he was) otherwise he’d be dealing with these outside influences head on like you are. You can fight this as much as you want but it’s the truth.

He’s giving you a taste of what to expect in any problem areas you run into during the course of your relationship with him: You’ll be doing all the work because he refuses to (for whatever reason).

His solution to problems, based on his behavior, is to walk away from them rather than deal with them. Your solution is to deal with them. No matter how much you love each other, this will cause major problems if your relationship progresses to marriage and children.

You need to ask yourself if you really want a long term relationship with someone weaker than you...

You need to ask yourself if you really want a long term relationship with someone weaker than you or someone who is unwilling to work on problems that arise during the course of your relationship.

Next, you need to ask yourself if you want this kind of a man being the father to your children and helping you raise them.

And finally, would you really be happy with someone who wouldn’t put as much effort into the relationship as you would?

As much as you love him, and as much as he loves you, he realizes this relationship won’t work. He realizes the outside negative influences you mentioned are more than he can deal with.

The outside influences won’t magically disappear like you hope. In order to resolve them they have to be dealt with. You didn’t go into any detail as to what these "outside influences" were. You just mentioned they were a major factor in your breakup.

You have handled your end correctly and like an adult telling him you want him back and are willing to work on the outside influences.

Unfortunately, he isn’t.

You’re willing to wait, hoping for the best. How long are you willing to keep your life on hold just because you want him back? What does he have to do, other than what he’s done, to let you know as much as he may care about you, his heart is no longer in the relationship?

Work on yourself and try as best you can to correct or deal with the "outside influences" so in your next relationship they aren’t a problem.

Can you win him back? Yes, it is possible. But it’s unlikely. Your real question is: Can I ever have the kind of relationship with him I really want? The answer to that, based on his behavior, is no.

You are a rare woman. Lucky is the man who wins your heart.

Good luck and God Bless.