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Should college teachers date their students?

Question:

What’s your opinion of college teachers dating their students. This seems to be a taboo issue amongst my colleagues but I wouldn’t be the first on my faculty to do so. Obviously I know I couldn’t date a student while she was enrolled but what about afterwards?

Answer:

It doesn’t matter who you go out with, where you meet them, or what differences you have (age, height, weight, IQ, race, creed, color, etc.) What matters is that you do meet and have some common ground in the relationship so you can enjoy each other’s company.

In any potential relationship I tell my students to weigh the risks and the rewards. What do you have to gain and what do you have to lose? Then I tell them to ask themselves this simple question: Is it worth it? If it is, move forward. If it isn’t, walk away.

What do you want from this relationship? A casual lover? Potentially a wife? What does she want? Where can this relationship go and where will it go? If you truly believe this may be the woman you’ll end up marrying, that’s one thing. If you’re sexually turned on to her and just want some exercise, that’s another.

As I see it, on the surface there are two things at risk: Your job and your reputation on campus. On a deeper level there are three more things at risk: Your professional code of ethics, your integrity and your self respect.

Let’s look at some of the risks you’re taking if it gets out of hand:

1. If the relationship doesn’t work out the way she wants it to (i.e. she falls in love with you and wants to get married but you don’t), what will she do?
2. If she falls in love with you, realizes you won’t marry her and gets pregnant hoping for the best, what will you do?
3. If she goes to the School Board, says you took unfair advantage of her, got her pregnant and now won’t have anything to do with her, what will you do?
4. If she tells the rest of the students on campus she’s having sex with you, what will you do?
5. If she gets mad and spreads vicious rumors about you, what will you do?
6. If she secretly records your telephone conversations, video tapes the two of you having sex and sells it to one of the television shows that specialize in scandals, like Inside Edition or Extra, what will you do?

On a deeper level there are three more things at risk: Your professional code of ethics, your integrity and your self respect.

How would you like to end up on The Jerry Springer Show? Don’t laugh, stranger things have happened. And they’ve happened to people with much less to lose than you do.

You didn’t mention any specifics about her background, like her age, how long you’ve known her, etc. Nor did you mention whether she was a freshman, sophomore, junior or a senior.

There is a huge difference between the maturity level of a freshman party girl living on campus, who is away from home for the first time, with "daddy" footing the bill for college and a senior who has been working her way through college, paying her own way by waiting on tables and living on her own off campus.

You also didn’t mention what her major is. If it’s Liberal Arts, English Literature, History, Art, or Political Science, as a college professor, you know as well as I do this woman is in for a rude awakening when she graduates and tries to get a job. If, on the other hand, she’s learning skills that will help her get a real job when she graduates, it shows a certain level of responsibility and maturity on her part.

This lack of information makes telling you how to handle the situation a little difficult because it’s impossible to give you a generic answer. There are just too many variables involved.

If your attraction is that strong, and this could be the woman you end up marrying, build your friendship without getting sexually involved until she’s no longer on campus. What’s a couple of years if you plan on spending the rest of your life with her?

If she’s just a potential bed partner for you, you will be getting in more trouble than you can handle. Worst case scenario, you’ll get fired and lose your teaching credentials. Is it worth it? You be the judge.

I can’t tell you what to do in this situation. But I can tell you want I would do: Depending on what kind of a relationship I wanted from her, I would tell her the truth, that I was interested in going out with her but, because I didn’t want her to think I was taking advantage of her, and because I had my job and reputation at stake, I wanted to wait until she was no longer taking classes on campus.

If you’re looking for a relationship that includes more than exercise, you’ll wait to have sex with her (even if it’s four years).

Again, your job, your professional reputation on campus, your professional code of ethics, your integrity and your self respect are at stake here. Please choose wisely.

Good luck and God Bless.