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Discerning a sexual relationship from a loving relationship

Question:

I wish I knew how to explain my situation, because it’s one where there is past baggage on both parts, from our past relationships, as well as incidences that should have been discussed and never were.

So here is goes. Al Lives in N. California and I live in S. California, he transferred there one month ago. We’ve been dating off and on since last August. This past weekend I flew up to be with him for the weekend (I was suppose to leave Monday morning). Everything was going great until we were walking to find where we were to catch the boat to Salsalito. I went to grab his hand, to hold it and he pulled away. But, not a fast pulling away. I made a comment and he said holding hands was dorky. I felt rejected. I just stood there as he walked away. Then he realized I wasn’t with him. Ok, so I walked over to him and we went on our way. The next thing I know tears are coming down my face, I wasn’t trying to be a baby or play a game. I was just really hurt, confused. I tried to talk about it, blaming it from being rejected to PMS. He doesn’t believe in PMS. He compared me to his ex wife. I guess she cried.

The rest of the day went down hill from that point. He informed me at his age, 45, he didn’t have the patients to deal with some one like me. I’m 39, and have been divorced 4 years (I was married for 12 years). Al has been divorced over 10 years (He was married less then 9 years).

The next day (Sunday) I flew home early. He said he had to go to work and my being around wasn’t easy (to much tension) on him. While at the airport he waited until 5 minutes before my flight was to leave. He tells me he needs to leave because he knows I will cry. Then I get a big hug, tells me I am adorable and to call him when I arrive home.

I didn’t call, why, because I am so confused and I decided I would take a nap and try to calm down, and then call. After an hour of being at home he calls me from his cell phone. And tells me he will call me soon. I love this man, I don’t understand why he can’t work on a fixable problem, why he thinks at his age he’s to old to deal with someone who was honest and said what happen made her feel rejected. Why are you wondering I still love him. Because he’s not clingy, is not demanding of my time. Doesn’t act jealous. I love having sex with him. Doesn’t force himself on my children. He is different from the other people I’ve dated in that, he has never said I needed a man in my life and doesn’t try to be a dad to my children (they already have a father).

I’m just confused, that why would anyone not have the patents to work out a workable situation and yet tell me I’m adorable, and calls me when at first he told me to call?

Thank you.

p.s. I figured it couldn’t hurt and you’d be impartial, also I would prefer a males point of view.

Answer:

First I want to go over the important points you mentioned then I’ll get right to the root of the problem.

You said, "Why are you wondering I still love him. Because he’s not clingy, is not demanding of my time. Doesn’t act jealous. I love having sex with him. Doesn’t force himself on my children. He is different from the other people I’ve dated in that, he has never said I needed a man in my life and doesn’t try to be a dad to my children (they already have a father)."

With that statement you’re saying you love him because he doesn’t make any demands on you. An unusual reason to love someone. Usually people love someone because of what the other person does for them not because the other person leaves them alone.

A major part of your problem is you’re confusing great sex with love. The original boundaries of your relationship were that it be sex only. No ties, no commitments, no questions. At some point you decided you wanted him to satisfy you in other areas. In your above example, it was emotionally. You wanted him to care about you. But caring about you wasn’t part of the original deal. So when you tried to add it you were rejected. And it hurt.

Take away the great sex and what have you got? A man who doesn’t want to have anything to do with you...

In your relationship with Al, you’re both using each other for sex. And that’s okay because you’re both getting something out of it. But don’t confuse a recreational sex partner with a caring companion. Take away the great sex and what have you got? A man who doesn’t want to have anything to do with you on any level. You cried because deep down you knew that and you are now at a point of where you want (and need) more than just recreational sex.

When you cry and he doesn’t want to have anything to do with you he’s telling you your feelings don’t matter to him. More proof, if you need it, your relationship is based on nothing more than recreational sex.

You have out grown the boundaries of your relationship with Al. He hasn’t. When you try to get him to expand, he says no, rejects you and hurts you. He wants your relationship to stay based on sex. You don’t. That’s the problem. Who’s right, who’s wrong? Neither of you. All that’s happened, in a nutshell, is that what you want from this relationship is changing. You want him to care. He either can’t, won’t, or doesn’t want to.

What do you do?

You have four options to choose from:

1. You can continue your relationship based on sex-only, denying the other parts of you and get more and more frustrated.
2. You can bang your head against the wall trying to change him.
3. You can find someone else and replace Al altogether. Or
4. You can continue your sex-only relationship and get other things from other men.

You don’t need to settle for just one boyfriend to satisfy all of your needs and be at his mercy.

When you start a relationship, be very clear on what your boundaries are and when you want to change them. It will save you a great deal of rejection, frustration and pain.

A footnote: If all you want is sex, the only two things that need to be discussed are birth control and whether or not either of you have any diseases.