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There’s someone I want to date - But he’s not interested...

Question:

Usually advice centers around what you should do, not what you want to do. I need advice on how to pursue something I want very much. The futility of my effort has been pointed out to me by numerous friends, but giving up is not an option. Let me explain.

Men find me attractive. Because of this, I have never had to learn how to be seductive or how to get what I want. I’d just walk into a room and instantly be noticed. This may be what many women want, but it has caused me nothing but dissapointment and kept me alone and celibate for more years than I care to admit. Men very rarely attract my attention. Mostly, I wish they would just go away and leave me alone. The only kind of man I can be attracted to is the kind who would never come to me. I was married once, but it was a miserable marriage because I "settled", something I swore I’d never do again.

It is a rare occurance when I am "smitten" by someone, but when it happens, it is very intense. The ice not only melts, it turns to steam. However, the object of my interest is never interested in me. Why? Probably because I only find the aloof "hard to get ones" attractive.

Right now, there is a man I want more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. He is not interested and has told me so. He seems to be "fond" of me, but treats me like his little sister. He has a personal ad and goes to singles dances, but I do not believe, from what I have been able to gather, that he dates at all. He is very shy and nobody has been able to break the ice. He can be very cold and forbidding. To be honest, he is not what most people consider attractive. I’ve been told that my "popularity" intimidates him. What can I do?

If this guy asked me to, I’d rob a bank no questions asked. He wouldn’t though. He is a very nice person, the kind of guy you rarely meet. He is divorced, and from what I gather, he has been badly hurt and is very bitter toward women. I do not know the details. His friend tried to tell me once, but I felt it was wrong to discuss the man behind his back. Dummy that I am, I changed the sujbect.

I’ve tried to be his friend, but even that meets a luke warm reception. Its been almost a year since I’ve seen him because I stopped going to the places where I would run into him...trying to let the attraction cool off. Yet, friends say he has been asking after me.

If I give up, I will never forgive myself. There is something there worth the effort, the rejection, the heartbreak and whatever else might be the consequence of my persistence.

Over time even rocks are eroded by the persistance of the sea. I’m willing to take the time...I’m not going anywhere, and apparently, neither is he. Motivation is half the battle. But so is skill, and I don’t have any. Any advice on how to get close to this man will be sincerely appreciated.

Answer:

It’s obvious from your writing style you’re an intelligent, creative woman with a good, healthy sex drive. You pose an interesting question: How do I make someone like me who has already told me he’s not interested in me?

I think your real question is: How do I take my best shot at establishing a relationship with a man I’m very strongly attracted to, who has been hurt badly in his marriage and who has told me he’s not interested in me? How do I get through to him that I don’t want to hurt him, I’d like to get to know him, and possibly have a long term, loving relationship where sex is a healthy, constructive part of it?

Let me explain the difference between the two concepts: As an attractive woman you know there is nothing a man you’re not attracted to can do to make you like him. Yet you hope somewhere there is a technique a woman can use to get a man to want her against his will. If such a technique existed, I think you would resent having it used on you but you want to use it on him. This says some interesting things about your sense of fair play.

Until you get to know someone, you’re attracted to the fantasy of who you think they are and what you think they’re like. What you really want to find out is: Who is this man I’m attracted to and will a relationship with him work out? If he likes to beat women up while he has sex with them, I doubt you’d want a long term relationship with him. You’ll never know until you have the chance to replace the fantasy with reality.

Is it the person you’re attracted to or the fact that he ignores you that attracts you?

Before I tell you how to approach this man with your best chances of success, there is something you need to consider: Is it the person you’re attracted to or the fact that he ignores you that attracts you?

If it’s the person you’re attracted to, and the technique I give you works in establishing a relationship with him, you have a good chance at maintaining the relationship. But if your attraction is just because he ignores you, what will you do if he returns your interest and then you lose interest because you’re just attracted to the kind of person who ignores you?

If you aren’t very clear about this, you’ll just be setting both of you up for pain, frustration, and more bitterness.

That being said, what do you do to take your best shot at establishing a relationship with him? And how do you do it using class, style and dignity?

To keep this simple, let’s say the man you’re interested in is Paul and your mutual friend who said Paul was asking about you is Jim. Jim is the key to establishing contact with Paul. Contact Jim. Tell him you’d like to talk with Paul and ask him if you can have Paul’s phone number. If he gives it to you, call Paul. I’ll tell you what to say in a moment.

If Jim says, "Well, I can give Paul your number but I can’t give you his without his permission." Then you say, "No problem. I understand. Please give Paul my number or ask him if I can have his. And please get back to me with whatever Paul says." Give Jim three to seven days. If you haven’t heard from Paul by then, call Jim back and ask him if he contacted Paul. If he says no, ask him why not? Jim may have a good reason ("I haven’t been able to reach him, I left message on his voice mail, etc.").

I believe Paul is interested in you on some level or he wouldn’t have been asking about you. Is it really friendship or is there something more? My guess is you can have a romantic relationship with him and you should pursue it if, for no other reason, to get it out of your system so you can get on with your life, one way or the other.

When you talk with Jim again (to get Paul’s number or have Jim give it to you), ask him if Paul knows you have his number. This lets you know Paul is expecting your call and will be prepared on some level to deal with you rather than having your call come in out of nowhere.

Once you have Paul’s number, wait a few days so you can plan your course of action. Give Paul a few days to think about you. Your goal, when you call Paul (or he calls you), is to break the ice and establish contact with him, not get a date. Getting a date is too much, too soon, for both of you.

When you talk with Paul, start off with small talk, "Hi, how are you doing? I’ve missed not seeing you at the dances. What have you been up to? etc." After you’ve talked a few minutes you’ll be able to tell by his attitude if he’s receptive to opening up to you.

Then, depending on your level of self confidence, you can ask him nicely, "I want to get to know you better. How can I get through to you and have a romantic relationship with you with out hurting you or compromising my self respect?" Then see what he says. If he says he’s not interested in a romantic relationship, tell him, "I can accept that but I need to hear it from you."

Your best approach is to be completely honest with Paul and tell him how you feel so you can either get together romantically or move on. Why waste your time beating your head against a brick wall? If his answer is ultimately no, you’re going to have to accept it sooner or later or face stalking charges in court. Not exactly the message you want to give prospective dating partners.

You can’t force a man to respond to you the way you want when the interest isn’t there on his part. What you want to do is resolve the issue one way or the other, keeping your integrity intact. The technique I just gave you will do that.

Good luck and God Bless.