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I moved in with him, but now he says he doesn’t want me...

Question:

I am a single woman in my late twenties. I have been dating my boyfriend since January and we now live together in the same apartment. We have had our share of "ups and downs" over the last few months. Both of us went into this living situation willingly. However, he now says he did so to "make me happy" and that he "has realized that he wasn’t ready to SHARE his life with someone."

He would like for me to move out, find another place, and continue seeing him. I am having a problem with that because I am ready and open to "SHARE." I enjoy living here with him. Aside from the conversation about moving, our relationship is full of fun, friendleness, laughter, similar interests, and such. I enjoy life with him.

Just the other day I came in the room, full of joy because I was thinking of getting a puppy. I shared my happiness with him only to hear him say "have you been thinking about where you will be moving?" This caused a 180 in my mood. I went from very happy to very sad. I do not like the thought of moving. It makes me angry. It hurts. I think of the things I truly love, the things that make me happy here, and the things that I will miss. He seems to think our relationship will be better. I seem to think our relationship will end. I tend to side with Woody Allen - "relationships are like sharks, if they are not constantly moving forward they die."

I really don’t know what to do here. If he has such a problem, I think he should be the one to move. We took the time, found this place together, worked at making it a home, and I am happy here. We signed the lease together after discussing the whole situation. However, I am feeling like there isn’t any more "us" and that this is some sick, unhealthy game.

I am wondering what is wrong. He is telling me it "isn’t me - it’s him - he isn’t ready to share his life with someone." However, he comes home, wants to do things, asks me to come lay on him and fall asleep while we watch TV. The whole situation is kind of sick and very confusing to me.

Please help me with your advice if you can.

Answer:

Let’s put your needs, wants and desires on the side for a moment and take a cold, hard look at what he’s telling you.

Based on your letter, he’s told you he only moved in with you to make you happy, that he wasn’t ready to share his life with someone, that he would like you to move out, find another place and continue seeing him. This is definitely not a guy who wants to be tied down to a committed relationship.

Now let’s take a cold, hard look at what you’re telling him. You move in to a new apartment with him, sign a joint lease, and now you want to get a puppy. This is definitely a woman who wants to be tied down to a committed relationship.

And now let’s take a cold, hard look at what the problem is. Your problem is fourfold: First, you’re with a Taker, not a Sharer. Second, you’re trying to change a Taker into a Sharer, which is impossible. Third, you’re trying to force him into a relationship he doesn’t want. Fourth, you’ve been honest, he hasn’t. Those four areas are where all of your anger, frustration, and confusion is coming from.

How do I know he’s a taker? Simple. All I’m hearing him say is, "Me, me, me." And from you I keep hearing, "Us, us, us." Classic Taker/Sharer dialogue. He wants you to move out and continue seeing him, which means having sex with him when he wants it. Classic Taker dialogue.

The friction comes from two people who aren’t listening to each other. You’re not going to change his mind and he’s not going to change yours. Something has got to give. It will. And it won’t be pleasant. You can deal with this voluntarily or he will force you to deal with it. How? Probably by bringing home another woman.

You have been honest and up front and your actions have followed your words. You said you wanted a sharing, committed relationship and moved in with him under a joint lease in a new apartment to back up what you told him. He apparently hasn’t been honest and up front with you. He just went along for the ride, which means he wanted twenty four hour access to the sex and other benefits of having you around.

As hard as this may be for you to believe, his attitude and behavior at this point are a blessing in disguise because he’s proving to you a long term relationship with him won’t work.

It’s a blessing because you’re not married, have no children, no joint property and for you to walk away legally isn’t going to require a lawyer. A lot of emotional pain, yes. But a lawyer, no.

Here are some questions you should have sat down and talked out with him before you moved in together: "Where do you see our relationship going? Where do you see us in five years? Do you eventually want to get married? Do you see me as a potential marriage partner? Do you eventually want to have children? How many?" And any other questions that are important to you in a long term relationship.

If you say, "But I don’t want to get married, I just want a committed relationship," I’ve got some news for you: When you live together in a committed relationship (meaning neither of you dates other people), have a joint lease, and a puppy, you’re married. The marriage license is a mere technicality.

Let’s move on. You have every right to ask him these questions and get an honest answer. This is your life we’re talking about. You want a sharing relationship, let him prove whether or not he’s capable of sharing and being honest. And don’t let your emotions and desires for this kind of a relationship overrule your sense of logic. Listen to what he says. Is he telling you the truth? Does he talk openly with you about his feelings, his desires, his goals, or does he guard what he tells you?

Next, he even admits the problem isn’t with you, it’s with him. So don’t blame your self for doing something wrong. You haven’t. Your mistakes were made before you moved in with him, not after.

You want, and have every right to have, a committed, loving, sharing relationship with a man who will love and respect you equally in return.

So what should you do?

Let’s look at your options: 1) You can move out; 2) You can bang your head against the wall and try to force this relationship to work; 3) You can tell him he’s the one who has to move out; 4) You can fight with him and make both of you miserable, hoping you can castrate him into submission.

What you do depends on how much inner strength, self respect, integrity and maturity you have. If you have a lot of inner strength, you’ll analyze the situation, realize you’re wasting your time with him, walk away a wiser woman and prevent this from happening to yourself again.

If you don’t have a lot of inner strength and you insist on blaming him, you’ll stay and get involved in ego fights over who should stay and who should leave. If you keep score over who wins and who loses, it tells me what your level of maturity is. The bottom line is it doesn’t matter who wins and who loses because if you have a winner and a loser, you’ve both lost. What matters is you learn from your mistakes and find a man who can love and cherish you in a sharing relationship where you can love and cherish him in return.

If you can accept that you will never have the close, sharing, loving relationship you want with him, my advice will help you a great deal. If not, you’re going to keep banging your head against the wall, wondering why you’re so angry, frustrated and upset.

The relationship you think you have with him does not exist. Period. It never did, it doesn’t now and it never will. Yes, that’s a bitter pill to swallow but he told you he only moved in with you to make you happy. He just went along for the ride because the sex and other benefits were worth it to him at the time. Now he sees the relationship is going toward marriage and he does not want that. He’s feeling trapped and doesn’t know how to get out. So he suggests you move. He wants to back out of your arrangement yet he wants you to move. Pretty childish on his part.

Before you leave, you have every right to ask him these two questions: "If you didn’t want a committed relationship with me, why did you move into a new apartment with me and sign a joint lease? And why did you wait to tell me this until after we’ve been living together for a while instead of telling me when we first talked about moving in together?" Asking him these questions will be good practice for you for your next relationship.

The solution is to accept you’ll never get what you want from him, walk away from the relationship like an adult, realize you made a mistake, and find a Sharer.

Don’t let your ego get tied up with him staying and your moving. You don’t really want to stay there because every room is filled with your memories of him. You want to start clean, in a place you can sit down and figure out what happened. And you don’t want him knowing where you live.

One of the main lessons I teach my students is: For you not to sit down and answer the question of where you want the relationship to go before you move in together and assume things will "just work themselves out" is a formula for disaster. If you can’t ask each other that question, or are afraid to, it tells me your communication with your boyfriend isn’t as good as you thought.

The worst thing you could do is to blame him for being a bastard and think all men are that way. The second worst thing you could do is beat yourself up for making some basic relationship mistakes. The third worst thing you could do is take your frustration, hostility and other negative emotions out on your next boyfriend (would you stick around a guy who wanted to take his hostility toward his last girlfriend out on you? I doubt it.).

You made another mistake: The lease should have been in either your name or his name but not both of your names. It makes leaving too difficult. Before you move out, tell him you’ll leave under the condition he puts the lease (and all other utilities) in his name and signs a paper releasing you from all future utilities and rent payments.

Once you accept he isn’t going to give you want you want, your choices fall into place. Do you really want to live in an apartment that is a constant reminder of a failed relationship? Every guy you bring over is going to remind you of times you had with your current boyfriend. You will be a lot happier if you wipe the slate clean, move out and start again.

Can you keep your relationship with your current boyfriend? Sure. But why? When you move (or he moves) and you keep seeing him for sex (it won’t be for a relationship because he’s already proven he doesn’t care about your feelings and what you want), you’ve just told him he can abuse you in any way he wants.

Ask yourself what you want from a man and a relationship. Then ask if your current boyfriend can give it to you. If he can’t, why waste your time and energy making both of you miserable? Learn from your mistakes and move on a wiser woman. You want a family. He doesn’t. Find a man who can appreciate what you have to offer. Don’t waste your time trying to convince a man who doesn’t want what you’re giving. There is an old saying, "Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it makes the pig angry." Right now you’re the singing instructor and your boyfriend is the pig. No pun intended.

If you can’t have the kind of relationship you want with him, what’s in it for you? If you stay with this man, all you be is used, hurt and taken advantage of.

You can accept responsibility for this, correct the mistakes you made and prevent them from ever happening again, or you can blame him, take your hostility, anger and frustration out on every guy you meet in the future and poison your happiness. Please choose wisely.

Good luck and God Bless.