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I just fell in love with him... should I wait?

Question:

I am a divorced woman in my early thirties. I met Richard on line, we spoke for 3 months before going on a real date, when we met I was attracted to him and he was also attracted to me. We both let each other know that we were looking for a serious relationship that would lead to marriage.

Things moved quickly in which in about a months time we told each other that we loved each other and that our feelings have become very strong for one another. I enjoyed everything about him from making love to him and not being a jealous person and he enjoyed the same things of me.

About 3 months into the relationship I started to notice that he wasnt kissing me like he use to the hugs were not as meaningful, holding my hand became a thing of the past and he had difficulty keeping his erections. When I asked what was wrong he said stress and the office.

I waited to see if things would get better but he seemed to be more distant than ever. When I asked him if he needed space to sort out what he needed in his life he told me no that he loves me and that he wants to make things work. We had plans to go away on the weekend so I called him Friday from my local laundry mat to confirm Saturdays departure and he asked me to call him Saturday morning. I left a load of clothes last minute so I was up early to wash and called him from the laundry mat to wake him and to find out what time we were leaving. I didnt tell him I had a last minute wash but did tell him I was calling from the laundry mat. He sounded upset and when I asked what was wrong he told me everything is fine. I asked what time was he picking me up and he said he didnt know that he would call me. He never did, in fact my best friend called him two days after he came back to ask for my things and to ask what went wrong and he said he was angry because I called him Friday night from the laundry mat and then again Saturday morning as if I were out all night.

When I went to see him he apologized for acting like a fool and that he loves me and he wants us to work things out so I agreed because I love him very much. The following weekend we had plans to go out with another couple when we met I was a little upset at the fact that he wouldnt let me make dinner for him on a Thursday night because he was going to be busy and wanted to relax that night but when I called him at midnight he wasnt home and when I questioned him he tells me he must of missed my call.

We ended up going to a club one hour later we were at the bar and I say to him " I Love you" and he replys "I dont believe you love me" and that he has a feeling which hes never been wrong on and he has to follow this intuition so on the way back home we were sitting in the back seat and he starts kissing my forehead caressing my hand pulling me under his arm as if what he said to me wasnt said.

After a week of not speaking to him I called and asked why he would do something like that and he tells me it was because he really didnt want me to go home. He also tells me that he loves me he wants to work things out and that he misses me. And the reason why he couldnt get an erection and the time was because hes not believing me when I tell him I love him and how can someone love someone so quickly.

When I told Richard that I love him he told me he loved me also. I told Richard that when he knows what is real for him and what his heart is telling him to do to call me I am hurting very much over this and am wondering maybe he didnt love me to begin with but then why tell me and why does he tell me he wants to work things out. I spoke to Richard on a Thursday and havent heard from him since. It is now Sunday night Richard is a very successful doctor and has alot to offer someone but every moment we spent together was great. Richard was the one who introduced me as his girlfriend and he also asked me to be exclusive I just fell in love with him. should I wait?

Answer:

Your first mistake was in taking three months to meet Richard for the first time after you connected on line. If you’re really looking for a marriage partner, once you connect on line, tell your prospective partner you want to physically get together. Any excuses they make should be an early warning sign.

Your second mistake was in building up a huge fantasy of who you think this man is based on what you want and your email communication with him. It’s easy to build up a fantasy when you’re dealing with email. It’s not so easy when you’re dealing with the real person, in person. That’s one of the main reasons you get together in person as soon as you can after you’ve met on line.

Your third mistake is you’re the one always calling him. The phone calls, who calls who, should roughly be fifty/fifty. If he really cared he’d be calling you. I don’t care what excuses he comes up with, he isn’t calling you. That’s another bad sign. Your fourth mistake is not seeing you’re the one always forgiving him, giving him another chance. By that I mean he’s screwing up the relationship and the communication with his petty ego trips, blaming you for everything when you’ve done nothing wrong. This is not good. With you, there’s nothing to forgive because you’re not doing anything wrong. Someone who wants a relationship, a commitment, is going to sit down and want to establish solid communication with you. He isn’t doing that, unless he wants something from you.

Now let’s look at Richard. The key to how he really feels is revealed when you say, "About 3 months into the relationship I started to notice that he wasn’t kissing me like he use to. The hugs were not as meaningful, holding my hand became a thing of the past and he had difficulty keeping his erections. When I asked what was wrong he said stress and the office."

"Stress and the office" may prevent him from being sexually turned on occasionally but it won’t stop him from needing affection and having someone to talk with. This behavior, right here, tells me he’s lost interest in you. One of the best stress relievers known to the human race is talking out your problems with someone who cares about you and wants to help. If he really wanted a relationship that leads to marriage he’d want to trust you and open up to you. Based on his behavior, this clearly is not the case.

Later you find out the real reason he couldn’t get an erection: "the reason why he couldnt get an erection and the time was because hes not believing me when I tell him I love him and how can someone love someone so quickly." Here is a guy who isn’t being honest with you about what’s going on in his head. Not only that, he flat out lied to you originally about why he couldn’t function sexually. It had nothing to do with "stress and the office" like he first said.

Next, he stands you up, claiming he was angry at you. Then he wouldn’t let you make dinner for him on a Thursday night because he wanted to "relax". If having someone who loves you make dinner for you and pamper you in every way isn’t relaxing, what is?

After this, you both go to a club. You tell him you love him and he basically tells you, "I don’t believe you love me," adding quoting you) "that he has a feeling which he’s never been wrong on and he has to follow this intuition." Then, continuing to quote you, "so on the way back home we were sitting in the back seat and he starts kissing my forehead caressing my hand pulling me under his arm as if what he said to me wasn’t said."

If this isn’t a guy who wants you there when he wants you there and doesn’t want to deal with you when he doesn’t want you there what is? He has proven to you over and over again he does not care about your feelings unless he wants something from you. Then, magically, he cares a lot, until he gets what he wants, then he magically disappears, blaming you for imaginary things you haven’t done.

The bottom line is Richard is a Taker in every sense of the word. He is selfish, he’s a control freak, and he’s pretty immature.

...he knows he can treat you any way he wants and you’ll keep coming back for more.

You, on the other hand, are a Giver. You keep forgiving him for his behavior, hoping he’ll change. Based on your behavior, Richard knows he can treat you any way he wants and you’ll keep coming back for more.

My question to you is: Why do you want a steady diet of this?

You have fallen in love with the fantasy of who you think this man is and what you believe he can give you. You can only judge a person based on their actions and their words. Based on Richard’s actions and words, putting your fantasy of what you think you have with him on the side, what kind of a person is he really? Is he really marriage material?

I can tell from the way you’ve treated him, you’re a good woman. The problem is clearly not with you. You have been honest, up front, and supportive. Richard, on the other hand, is trying to back out of a "committed relationship" and into a casual sexual relationship that puts you there when he wants you there.

So what do you do? You have a choice: Keep waiting for Richard to change, hoping he’ll change into what you want, hoping it will happen in the near future, or mark it off to experience and move on to another man a wiser woman.

Please choose wisely, your future is at stake.

A word of advice: I teach my students, once they’ve met someone on line, to get together physically as soon as possible. After you’ve met, concentrate on becoming friends with the other person, then lovers, and a marriage will follow as a natural result. With Richard, you clearly were not, and are not, friends. Lovers, yes. Friends, no.

Good luck and God Bless.