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How do I confirm his intentions without nagging him?

Question:

I met this incredible man through my cousin and we hit it off right away, despite our age difference (he is 26, I am 20).

We live in the same city, however at the time we met I was going to university about 2 hours away. He started calling on a nightly basis and when I came home for the summer we saw each other as much as we could.

We got to the point in our relationship that I was comfortable calling him my boyfriend and I introduced him to my friends. He has introduced me to his family as well. We have now been seeing each other for about 6 weeks and I am very happy with him but lately he has been giving me mixed signals.

He never calls me but always tells me to call him, we only see each other once a week and it is when I suggest we do something. He has introduced me as his girlfriend, but sometimes I feel as though I am not his girlfriend.

We have slept together and have great sex, so I thought for a while that he was using me for the sex.

I wrote him a letter a few days ago explaining this to him and he replied by telling me that it has just been a long time since he was in a relationship and had strong feelings for someone, but he really liked me and wanted to be with me.

I am still not happy with the situation since as of today I haven’t talked to him in 6 days. This seems odd to me, in comparison to my other relationships.

I was wondering if you could give me advice on how to approach this problem without seeming like I am nagging him.

Thank You So Much

Confused but In Love

Answer:

Your basic problem is your boyfriend used to spend more time with you, call you nightly, and make plans to get together with you. Now you have to take the aggressive and do all the calling, etc.

How do you change him back from what he’s become to what he used to be in your relationship with him?

From what you’ve said in your email, you’re doing everything correctly. You had a mutually rewarding relationship with this man. Then you noticed a change in his behavior. You’re not happy with the change. You’ve told him about it in an honest, straightforward way. And you’ve told him on several occasions, adult to adult, with no anger, harassment or game playing. Nothing you’re asking for is unfair or unrealistic. All you want is some time, attention, respect and affection. I have great respect for the way you’ve handled this so far.

Next, you’ve evaluated the results of your actions, the attempts you’ve made to get the relationship back to the place where your needs were being satisfied. Unfortunately, you’ve found the attempts you’ve made aren’t getting you the results you want. And this is where your problem comes from.

So your question is: "What do I do now?"

That depends. It depends on how much truth you want to deal with and how much you want to learn from this situation.

Your boyfriend is giving you feedback. He’s telling you the truth about how he feels about you. He isn’t giving you this feedback verbally, he’s giving it to you by his actions. It isn’t what you want to hear so you resist it. I think you’re asking me, "What do I do, what do I say, to get my boyfriend to treat me the way I want?"

You want to know what you should do to get your boyfriend to change. You’ve already done it. All you need to do now is accept the truth.

The key to your situation is that he used to call you on a nightly basis but now wants you to call him. And the only time you get together is when you make the effort. This tells me he’s lost interest in you.

In life we make time for what’s important to us.

In life we make time for what’s important to us. You were important to him in the beginning, so he found time to call you. On a nightly basis. Now you’re not important to him so he doesn’t have time to call you.

Again, you’re handling this situation correctly by talking with him and writing to him, letting him know you’re not happy with the way things are going. You’re being up front and honest. And you’re doing it without playing games.

That you have to call him lets me know he’s not that interested in you. He "makes time for you" when he wants to be with you but totally disregards your normal needs, wants and desires to be with him.

Actions speak louder than words. It doesn’t matter what comes out of his mouth. If you feel you’re not his girlfriend, you’re not.

The question becomes: How much longer do you want to put yourself through this before you accept the truth? How much longer do you want to throw yourself at him, compromise your self respect, and be rejected before you look at his actions realistically?

So what do you do? I suggest you stop calling him, emailing him or contacting him in any way, shape or form. If he’s interested in you, he’ll contact you. If he isn’t, he won’t. And you’ll get your answer as to whether you’re his girlfriend or not.

If he contacts you, ask him what he wants from you and from the relationship. Ask him what he thinks you want. If he doesn’t contact you, move on a wiser woman and realize the problem wasn’t with you because you tried to talk it out with him.

What do you want from him? From what you’ve said in your letter, he was giving you the time and attention you needed (and deserved) in the beginning but he isn’t going to give it to you anymore.

What can you do about it? I teach my students that, as a relationship comes to a close, sit down with a pen and paper and write out what you did right and what you did wrong so it doesn’t happen with the next person you get involved with.

You already know what you did right, because I’ve told you.

What did you do wrong? The main thing I see is you mistook sexual attraction and great sex for a relationship. When the sex wore thin for him, he moved on.

I don’t believe him when he says, "it has just been a long time since I was in a relationship and had strong feelings for someone, but I really like you and want to be with you." His actions don’t fit his words. And if he is telling you the truth, he’s got a lot of baggage that, in the long run, won’t be worth the effort because you’re putting all the energy into the relationship. You’re setting up the foundation of an abusive relationship. You deserve better than this.

You say you have great sex. That’s nice but you can have great sex with anyone. Sexual compatibility shouldn’t be the determining factor for a long term relationship because, if the other ingredients aren’t there (love, friendship, respect, communication and honesty, to mention a few), the sex is going to get boring.

It was a mistake calling him your boyfriend after only being together for six weeks. By going out with more than one guy, by having your needs satisfied by more than one man, you will be in control and prevent any one guy from doing to you what your current boyfriend is doing to you now. As you get to know each other, you can go out exclusively with him, after you both agree on the ground rules. But after six weeks you’re still getting to know each other. It will also help if you don’t mistake sexual attraction and great sex for a relationship.

Good luck and God Bless.