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I keep getting into relationships with guys who ignore me...

Question:

I guess that I am not exactly sure where to start.

I seem to have this bad habit of getting into relationships with guys who either ignore me at the end of the relationship or they just quit calling me.

I seem to have this bad habit of getting into relationships with guys who either ignore me at the end of the relationship or they just quit calling me. I am not sure what it is I do that attracts these kinds of relationships and I would really like to know your suggestions for what changes I need to make to not attract this anymore. It is not what I want.

For example. I went out with a guy from work. First mistake, I know. We went out and had a good time. Conversation was good and we enjoyed the time that we spent together or that is how it seemed. By the end of the night he ended up kissing me. Right then and there we discussed how work was going to be.

We both agreed that what happened outside of work needed to stay outside of work and what happened at work stayed there as well. This is exactly what happened, work has not been the problem. The next day was great at work, it wasn’t awkward and neither of us acted as if anything was going on.

It has continued to be this way. Work really hasn’t been a problem. He called me the next night after we had gone out and we had another really good conversation.

The next night I saw him and then he went out of town for the weekend. He called me once he got back and we had a wonderful conversation. We talked about our relationship and about being honest with each other and about trust.

Things seemed as if they were going well. I only saw him once this past week. Keep in mind that he is extremely busy, 18 credits at school and 40 plus hours a week at work. I know that is no excuse but he is busy none the less.

I took Friday off of work and so I called him and we made plans to go out on Saturday night. He had plans to go to the football game with friends and then he was going to call me once he got home. He never called and he never showed up. So of course I sat around and waited to hear from him all night. I called him today, Sunday, to confront him about what had happened. I didn’t get an apology and he said that he couldn’t talk because he was leaving but that he would call me. Needless to say I have yet to hear from him and I know that he is not going to call. I really would like to have resolution to this for my own sanity. I would really like to write him an email and let him know how I feel and that he really hurt me, and not to expect any sort of a response. I know that I can’t force him to talk to me, he has made that quite apparent but I am not sure how I can go about getting resolution for the situation.

I guess that the bottom line here is that I am not sure why I attract these kind of guys. What is it that I do that attracts them? What is it that I need to change so that I don’t fall into these sorts of relationships? Why are they attracted to me? And how is it that I resolve this current situation?

Answer:

Let’s take it from the top.

A Golden Rule I teach my students is: Never compromise your self respect for any reason at any time.

The first time he didn’t return your call, or show up when he was supposed to, told you, rather bluntly, he has no respect for you. You don’t know if he has no respect for women or if he’s singling you out personally but it doesn’t matter because the results are the same: You get treated poorly.

Once you know that, the solution is obvious: The relationship is over. Period. No exceptions. You don’t sit around waiting for him to call, you just get on with your life and find another guy. If he contacts you, apologizes and wants another chance, if you want to, give him another chance. If not, move on to other dating prospects. But why would you give him another chance? You’ve already lost respect for him and you don’t trust him. Why waste your time with a loser who, based on results, doesn’t care about you?

Let’s move forward.

Why would you attract guys who don’t respect you? And why would you put up with it once you’ve met them? Simple: It’s because you don’t respect yourself.

The people you go out with (as well as the friends you surround yourself with) are nothing more than a reflection of your self image.

If you see yourself as undeserving of a happy, healthy relationship then you’ll never have one. Not only that, if one tries to present itself, you’ll push it away or sabotage it in some way.

If you see yourself as deserving of a good relationship, the moment a guy treats you poorly you’ll try to correct the problem by telling him you won’t put up with that behavior. If he continues, you’ll just walk away.

Your next mistake is putting all your eggs in one basket by going out with him and him alone. You gave him all your control. You put yourself at his mercy. Why? Where does it say you can only go out with one guy? Why not go out with several guys, find one who treats you the way you want to be treated and narrow down your focus to him? Why set yourself up for failure? By going out with a guy who doesn’t keep his word, you’re setting yourself up for failure and pain.

You already admitted going out with a guy from work was a mistake but let’s go into more detail as to why it was a mistake.

No matter how good your intentions, no matter what you try to set up as a working relationship at work, you’re doing it when you’re not emotionally upset. When the relationship goes sour, and you’re emotionally upset, you can’t predict what either of you will do. It just isn’t worth the potential problems, especially when there are so many other good places to meet dating prospects.

The next major problem in going out with this guy exclusively is he doesn’t have any free time. Simple logic tells you the better you get along with someone, the more time you’re going to want to spend with them.

He works a full time job and has a full school schedule. That should tell you, right then and there, no matter how much he likes you, he won’t have the time for a decent relationship. That means he’s not a good dating prospect for you. Period. No exceptions, no excuses. For you to continue pursuing a relationship with him means you’re going to be disappointed, rejected and hurt.

Your next mistake is when you said, "By the end of the night he ended up kissing me. Right then and there we discussed how work was going to be." Kissing at the end of the date is fine. But you should have discussed how work was going to be in the first part of your date, not at the end after you’ve started kissing each other.

So what can you do about it? First and foremost, work on your self image. Until you correct your self image and start respecting yourself you are doomed to keep attracting the same losers and jerks in different forms with different faces and bodies. Why? You deserve better than this.

There are several excellent books you can buy or get at your local library that will help. I suggest, "See You At The Top" by Zig Ziglar; "The Magic Of Believing" by Claude M. Bristol and "Psycho Cybernetics" by Maxwell Maltz.

How do you resolve your current situation? You just walk away. He got the best of you. So what. Write down on a piece of paper all the mistakes you made so you don’t have to repeat them. The next guy you meet, review your mistakes so you don’t make them again.

Writing to him is a waste of time if you do it to get a response out of him because he clearly doesn’t care about you or is too immature to appreciate what you have to offer. If you write to him, do it for the purpose of clarifying your thoughts on him and them don’t mail it. Keep it for yourself so you can go back and read it to help you with future relationships.

You deserve to be in a relationship where you’re loved, cared for, understood and accepted for who and what you are. Life is too short to settle for second best.

Good luck and God Bless.