[Home Page] [Category Index] [Site Search]

My girlfriend’s mood swings are becoming too much to handle...

Question:

I have been involved with a woman for the past two years and things have been up and down throughout our relationship with regard to feelings of commitment and stability.

One of the major contributing factors to these swings in our relationship is the differences in our moods. I tend to be a fun loving person while she is more on the straight and narrow. Kind of the opposite of fun loving.

In the morning she is grouchy while I tend to be happy. When she gets over burdened with a lot of things to do she also becomes very irritable and moody while I tend to take the positive "we can do this" attitude.

Sometimes I think we are at opposite ends of the spectrum with regard to our personality but when everything passes we’re happily in love and have some what of a healthy relationship.

I have tried leaving her alone when she gets in these moods only to be accused of ignoring her and not caring. What else can I do to avoid conflict between ourselves when this type of situation evolves?

Answer:

The first thing for you to do is take your girlfriend to the doctor and get her tested to see if she has a hormone imbalance or a chemical imbalance in her system. This could be causing her mood swings. It could also be caused by her monthly menstrual cycle.

But let’s say you’ve checked those two things out and she’s fine. You have to ask yourself if you want to put up with this behavior for the rest of your life. If you don’t, then *you* have to do something about it because *she* won’t.

The give-a-way here is you’re asking, "What can *I* do about these mood swings" rather than you and your girlfriend sitting down and asking,"What can *we* do about these mood swings."

If you and I had a one-on-one session, I would ask you what the problem was. You would probably sit there and explain in explicit detail how the problem was with her and her mood swings. Then you would illustrate this belief with several examples of her "flipping out" when she was "stressed out".

But I will tell you as gently as possible the problem isn’t with her, it’s with you. Before you disagree, let me explain. The problem isn’t her mood swings, the problem is you’re not happy with the way she treats you when she gets into one of her moods. So you’re a victim of her mood swings and at the mercy of her attitude.

...get out of "Victim Mode" and help them regain control...

One of the many things I teach my students is how to get out of "Victim Mode" and help them regain control of themselves. Let me give you some help with that now.

When a person with a good, strong, positive self image starts to get abused by a member of the opposite sex (on any level) they accept responsibility for it and say, "I am allowing you to treat me this way. And because I am allowing you to do it, I can stop you."

Anytime you allow someone to take their hostility or frustrations out on you, and you’ve done nothing to provoke them, you’re being abused. If you let them get a way with it once, it will continue forever. And it will get worse as time goes on. Then one day you’ll wake up and say, "What happened?" I don’t want that to happen to you.

So the question isn’t, "What can I do about her mood swings" because you can’t do anything. Rather, the question is, "How do I get her to stop abusing me when she gets into one of her moods?"

The basis of any relationship is respect. Love, trust, communication, sex and affection are really meaningless without respect because all you’ll get is abused on a regular or an irregular basis.

A person with a positive self image will walk away from a relationship before they will allow the other person to abuse them. It doesn’t mean you don’t try to help them. You do. The difference between a successful person and an unsuccessful person is the successful person will try to help the other person work out their problem, but not allow them to take it out on them.

That being said, here’s what I suggest: When she’s in a good mood sit down and talk with her. Ask her directly how you should treat her when she gets this way. Try to work out something that is fair to both of you.

Tell her, "I love you and I care about you but I will not allow you to treat me this way anymore. If we can’t work out something that is fair to both of us when you get into one of your moods I will physically stay away from you until you’re back to normal. If it continues, I’ll leave you permanently."

She is saying you don’t care so she can manipulate you into allowing her to abuse you. And make no mistake about it - you *are* being abused.

From what you’ve said, if this isn’t straightened out, there is very little potential for a long term relationship. I’m trying to save you the emotional and financial nightmare of divorce sometime down the road.

Good luck and God Bless.