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Advice on Dealing with Fears of Rejection

Question:

Hi Bryan,

I imagine you’re swamped with such requests, nonetheless I have a question that I feel is a bit "unique". No one (not even a professional psychologist I have been seeing can offer me insights.. just shrugs his shoulders.)

Question:

Is there a deeper level of attraction/spiritual connection between a man and woman that cannot be explained in the traditional sense of matter?

I met, two 1/2 years ago a teacher (whose English Lit. class I was enrolled in, Overcoming Pain) and my life changed radically. I began to heal from depression and other illness, received interviews with well known, established authors and playwrights and my works began to get published. (Poetry, op. editorials etc.)

I was also deeply attracted to this man. I sensed a mutual attraction (we are close in age) but he never expressed an interest in me personally, only said that he was interested in me as a student and that I could visit and email him on occasion to keep in touch.

His influence was one of the greatest experiences in my life and I am now working on writing two children’s books, despite, I might add, that fact that I have a learning disability. (He is known campus wide as a "healer" and is local award winning poet.) My attachment to him was very strong... so strong that I was scared I was developing some sort of "sick obsession". Though the psychologist said, no I wasn’t and even encouraged me to continue seeing him.

Now, I don’t see him because (I think anyway) that my last letter to him was a bit too personal and he called to say he no longer had time to see my poems during office hours. (Though he wrote a letter to help me in my course work and transfer through my Jr. College Disabled Student Services to the university level). I could not sleep, I would dream of this man and I would even know what he would say and at times I would think to myself "this man will be at this place at this time" and, yes, there he would be!

What on earth was I going through, Bryan? How can I feel such a depth of spiritual/emotional connection, be healed even, and this man continue to say he’s not interested in taking this further as friends? Was I stupid? The depth of rejection I felt was painful... I still think of him, though I won’t see him again. (Though he did say I could enroll in another one of his classes and that I could see him during office hours while enrolled in his class) Please help if you think I’m not nuts?... I still love this man and can’t seem to get him out of my heart. THANKS.

Answer:

First of all, you’re not stupid. And you’re not nuts. Every feeling you’re going through is completely normal. So stop doubting yourself as a normal healthy, well adjusted human being and woman. If you said, "I just got rejected by a man I deeply care about... Hot Dog!!!" I’d think something was wrong. You’re having a problem and you’re looking for a positive, adult solution. What therapist could find fault with that? You are a wonderful, kind, loving woman. I can tell that from your writing style. A lesser person would want to get even ("He rejected me and hurt me. I’ll fix him/etc.").

The problem is you’re in pain. The pain is caused by two things: rejection and frustration.

Let’s get right to the heart of the problem. The problem is you’re in pain. The pain is caused by two things: rejection and frustration.

In helping you with this problem let’s look at the situation logically rather than emotionally. You took a class from a man at college who is just a few years older than you are. This man is well respected on campus and has a reputation of being a healer. The things you learned in his class helped you tremendously, both personally and professionally. Because of that help you have fallen in love with him and would like to expand your relationship with him to include romance and possibly sex. If it works out, maybe marriage. You let him know in a nice way you were attracted to him and he let you know in a nice, professional way he’s not interested.

Now you’re shaken to your roots and fear 1) there’s something wrong with you because he rejected you and 2) you did something wrong by letting him know you were attracted to him. I can also tell by your letter you’re beating yourself up ("Maybe he rejected me because of this, or maybe because of that. Maybe he rejected me because there’s something wrong with me." And then you go over your "grocery list" of everything you feel is wrong with you, trying to figure it out.).

Unless he sits down with you and tells you honestly why he’s not interested in you, you’ll never know. And that’s okay. The details are unimportant. All that matters is, for whatever reason, he’s not interested. Now you can get on with your life and not wonder what would have happened.

The greatest benefit from what you’ve done is you’ve gone after a man you’re strongly attracted to, been rejected and you survived. You didn’t die. The rejection didn’t kill you. It hurts, yes. But it didn’t kill you. The next time, with a different man, it will be a lot easier. There are so many men and women who will not do what you have done because they aren’t strong enough mentally or emotionally. It took a lot of courage to do what you did. It’s time you give yourself credit for the things you did right.

Once you’ve let someone know you’re interested in them, and you’ve done it with class, style and dignity, if they reject you the worst thing you can do is take it personally and say some version of "their rejection of me means I’m inadequate in some way."

You’ve done several things right. All you need is a little help. Forget about trying to change him or make him like you. You can’t. You need to work on yourself. You can take it like a woman or you can take it like a child. But whether you like it or not, his answer is no. How you handle his rejection will determine the course of your relationships for the rest of your life. Please choose wisely.

I believe you want to handle this like a woman, so let’s go over what you did right. You did a lot of things right. Let me mention the main two: 1) You let him know in a nice way that you’re attracted to him. 2) You let him give you his response. He let you know, for whatever reason, he’s not interested in you on a romantic level. You’re frustrated and hurt he rejected you and you’re having difficulty dealing with it. So far, that’s all pretty normal.

So what you need help with is in dealing with the rejection of someone you care deeply about and dealing with the frustration you feel because he doesn’t see what a kind, loving, decent woman you are. And you want to do this in a very positive, healthy, constructive way.

A possible mistake you made is you may have built up a huge fantasy of who you think this man is and what he’s like in his personal life. By that I mean you didn’t mention anything about his background (is he single, married, divorced, does he have children, does he live with anyone, etc.). Since you probably don’t know, you had to fill in the missing pieces with fantasy material.

He may be the man you fantasize about, he may not be. But the bottom line is, for whatever reason, he’s not interested in taking it to the next level. The details of his reasons don’t matter. He’s not interested. Because you have such high regard for him, you’re misinterpreting his rejection as meaning you’re not a good, loving woman capable of satisfying a man, taking care of him and raising a family. Not true. Once you realize, understand and accept that, it will be a lot easier to accept his rejection and deal with your frustration.

Your teacher is really handling this the correct way, professionally. If you were in his position, and you had to reject someone you weren’t interested in who was very strongly attracted to you, how would you handle this? He obviously does not want to hurt you. But he wants to keep your relationship professional, not personal. You are extremely grateful for all this man has done for you. That’s a separate issue from being in love with him. As much help as you’ve gotten from your interaction with him, he was really just doing his job.

To help you see there are two issues here, the help you’ve gotten from him and your romantic feelings toward him, imagine getting the same level of help you’ve gotten from him from a woman. I don’t think you’d fall in love with her, no matter how grateful you were for what she did for you.

So what do you do about it? You keep loving him and sending him as much positive energy as you can. You’re already connected to the perfect man for you, whether you know it or not. Sending this man love brings you closer to your ideal mate. If you truly love this teacher, you’ll want him to be happy whether it’s with you or without you.

Next, imagine your perfect mate standing in the shadows, watching you handle this situation. Because in a spiritual way, he is. How you handle this situation will help determine whether or not you meet him and get married to him or push him further away. How would you like it written down that you handled it? If you saw your ideal mate going through this, what would you want him to do, how would you want him to handle it? What behavior would make you most proud of him? That’s the way you should handle it.

This teacher has helped you tremendously in many areas of your life, personally and professionally. You can thank him by being successful.

I congratulate you on your strength of going after a man you are attracted to. In this case, because of your strength, you won’t have to waste any time wondering what would have happened. If you keep this fantastic attitude, it’s just a matter of time before Mr. Right, by your definition, comes into your life.

Good luck and God Bless.