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As man as well, do you think were going anywhere?

Question:

Im 25 years old with a 8 year old son. After being in an abusive relationship with my sons dad for 6 years, Ive moved to a new city, and im settling in well. Ive dated a few guys, and been in a relationship for nearly two years on and off. weve now separated for about 6 months. Ive now met a guy who I like very much, and think things could go alot further.

My problem is that I think he might be trying to over power me and seems to undermined my authority with my son. Dont get me wrong he is absolutely brilliant with my son, and Ive noticed that hes improving in his school work, and he really likes him alot.

I left home when I was 14, and Ive brought my son up practically by myself, so Im not really used to having anyone around that I have to answer to, also no one has been there to tell me what to do. The thing with this guy is that he gets upset if I dont tell him b4 hand that I have an appointment, or Im going somewhere, hes been staying at my place 4 a few weeks and everything seemed to be fine, until the other day, when we had an argument over what I think to be very petty, the guy tells me he wants to be with me, he even wants to marry me, he has a son of his own whos ten but he doesnt see him very much.

I know that hes under alot of pressure lately with his childs mother who is taking alot of maternice from him, and hes recently started up his own business I believe that he loves me as he said as he takes care of what he can in the house, and has big plans for us. He said that he wants to move over to my place and has also made plans to do so.

But after this argument, weve not seen each other which has been a week or so. In regards to this, we spoke on the phone today, and told him basically how I feel, and that we should try to work things out, he needs to listen to me when were talking, and not to keep butting in all the time. Also he needs to understand that, Im a woman whos been on her own for some time, and not going to just let him come and take over my life. I want us to grow together as partners, and love each other for who we are not what we think or want them to be.

Oh Bryan this whole thing is just long and I cant really go into much detail as im on my lunch break, and Im ment to be meeting him on Saturday to talk things through. I want to be with him, and he wants me too, but I need to know from your point of view as a man as well, wether you think were going anywhere.

Yours a little bit confused, p.

Answer:

Let me start by saying I greatly respect anyone who is strong enough to leave home at fourteen and take their best shot at surviving in life. It isn’t easy. And I admire your strength in being able to walk away from the abusive relationship you had with your son’s father. That you are making your way in life at twenty five with an eight year old son adds more to my respect for you.

There’s no doubt you are a good person who is raising your son to the best of your ability with lots of love. You need to give yourself credit for that. You’ve done an amazing job with the hand you’ve been dealt in life.

Now let’s get right to the heart of the problem. You left home at fourteen because of an abusive relationship with one or more of your parents (mom, dad, step mom, step dad, or aunt or uncle, grandmother or grandfather, if they raised you). It became so unbearable you physically left home. When you leave home at fourteen life is a major challenge just to survive, as I’m sure you’ll agree. That alone shows me how bad the abuse was.

You walked away from the abuse physically and said, "I won’t put up with this anymore." But you didn’t leave emotionally because you didn’t know how. I believe this is why you ended up in the six year abusive relationship with the father of your eight year old son and why the pattern is about to repeat itself with your new boyfriend if you don’t make some changes fast.

It’s easy to see when you’re being abused physically or sexually because there are marks on your body and you have tangible proof something bad happened. It’s tougher to see when the abuse is emotional or mental because the marks aren’t visible to an untrained eye. The abuse leaves its marks on your soul and they stay there until you consciously learn how to heal them.

Unfortunately, whatever we are raised with comes to be accepted by us as "normal" behavior. We end up attracting those kinds of relationships because it’s imprinted on our subconscious mind as normal. As a result, abused people attract abusive relationships, people who were raised with lots of love attract loving relationships.

It boils down to two crucial areas:

1. Your Belief System.
2. Your Self Image.

Whether you accept it or not, we are all slaves to our Belief System and our Self Image. Those two factors alone will determine what kind of relationships you attract and what kind you will put up with.

All good Self Help Courses concentrate on putting you in touch with those two areas and teaching you how to control them rather than having them control you.

Look at it this way: When you are in a car you have to go where ever that car takes you. If you’re a passenger, you’re a slave to whoever is driving that car. We are all trapped inside our own cars, known as our physical bodies. The two people driving that car are your Self Image and your Belief System. You have no choice but to go where they drive you.

What all abused people who keep ending up in abusive relationships don’t realize it that they are in control of telling their Self Image and their Belief System where they want to go. When you learn how to do this you become in control of them rather than them being in control of you. Then, although you’re still technically the passenger, you’re their boss and they will take you wherever you want to go.

...your Self Image and Belief System are programmed on automatic to drive you into abusive relationships.

Right now your Self Image and Belief System are programmed on automatic to drive you into abusive relationships. And, based on results, they’ve done a good job.

You can already see the signs of abuse with your new boyfriend and a part of you is saying, "I’ve been down this path before and I don’t want to go down it again. I need help on solving this. I have to break the pattern."

That’s the problem. What is the solution?

Where does any abusive relationship start? Simple. I teach all of my students: "When you start to compromise your self respect you enter into an abusive relationship." There are no exceptions to this Golden Rule. As a child you had no choice, you had to put up with it. Now, as an adult, you don’t have to.

So what, specifically, do you do?

Don’t be in a hurry to let your boyfriend move in with you. You need to establish the Ground Rules for behavior that you’ll accept from him in the way he treats you mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. And you have to stand your ground. If you don’t you’ll end up in another abusive relationship.

How do you establish Ground Rules? You sit down with a pen and a piece of paper and write down a list of behavior you flat out will not tolerate. Such as: "You don’t own me. I have a right to come and go in my own home as I see fit. If we get married, you still don’t own me. And if you treat me with disrespect, I WILL LEAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP."

Then write down all of the things in the relationship that are important to you. In a healthy relationship, just like in an abusive one, you teach your partner how to treat you.

Write down a list of ground rules. Write the list out and give him a copy. Have him sign it. Look at it this way: in business or sports, the ground rules are clearly defined. In business, if you don’t follow the rules, do your job, show up on time, etc. you’re fired. In sports, if you don’t follow the rules, you get thrown out of the game. In romantic relationships there are rules, too. If you’re following the rules and the other person isn’t, they need to be thrown out of the game. Make sure you’re willing to do for him all the things you expect of him or you’ll end up creating an abusive relationship and you’ll be the abuser instead of the one abused.

I teach my students that no relationship is worth compromising your peace of mind, your happiness, your integrity or your self respect. If you realize you’re allowing him to treat you this way you can put an end to it any time you want. If you don’t realize you’re allowing him to treat you this way, you’ll continue to be victimized by him, and every other relationship you enter, indefinitely.

Make sure the things you ask of him in the relationship are things you’re willing to give to him, too. Otherwise you’ll end up abusing him. Not everyone can handle an equal relationship.

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you can change him. You can’t. You simply state, "This is what I demand in a relationship and if you can’t (or won’t) give it to me, I’ll find someone who will. Everything I demand of you I want to give you in return. There are three people in this relationship (counting your son), not one. You’re not more important than me, I’m not more important than you. We’re equals."

Doing this homework will begin to break the pattern of abuse that’s unintentionally imprinted on your subconscious mind. You’ve already left home at fourteen and left a man who abused you for six years so you’ve proven you have the strength to deal with this. If you need to leave your current boyfriend, it’s a lot easier when you don’t live in the same house.

If you’d like to learn more about your Self Image and Belief System, and how to change them so they work to your advantage, there are many excellent books available at your public library in the Self Help Section. Go to the Reference Desk and get their help.

This problem wasn’t created overnight and you can’t fix it overnight. But if you do the homework I’ve told you it will get you on the path to positive, healthy, constructive relationships.

Please choose wisely.

Good Luck and God Bless.